We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
