My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
