hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
