I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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