I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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