Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My vagina is very pro this idea
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
