I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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