it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
