Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
