I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
