she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
