I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
