i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Randomize
