and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
