I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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