Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
