You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
