he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
