Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
