Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Randomize
