I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
