Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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