so that wasnt chicken after all
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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