So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
