No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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