Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
