I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
