this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
