I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
