1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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