Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I intend to get homeless drunk
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
