Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
