you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
