mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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