When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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