Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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