Already got asked if we're dating
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
