I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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