he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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