It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
