PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
