I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
There are leaves in my underwear?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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