peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
