i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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