Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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