david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
