my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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