I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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