Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
