You work out of a Hotel?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Randomize
