He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
