y did u give ur computer a hand job?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
