how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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