whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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