Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
